31 Fates Worse Than Death! (#4: Storm Warning)

Who says Australia can't makeThe Texas Chainsaw Massacre? Storm Warning is about an adventurous couple who get lost while kayaking on a river. They seek shelter in the home of the most bassakwards family this side of the Hewitts and predictably things begin to go south. When the patriarch of the family decides to get his rocks off with the wife, he doesn't anticipate her preparing a little surprise for him...down under. What essentially happens here is that the wife "MacGyver"s the bottom of a glass bottle into a razor sharp diaphragm that rips apart the assailant's tallywhacker. It also has the nasty bonus of getting stuck on the target area.

I'm noticing a chauvinistic theme emerging in this column relating to our own junk and how we perceive assaults on said junk to be worse than death. And yes, this particular fate does befall a total backwoods d-bag who completely deserves it. But we the male writers of Horror Squad have a great fondness for the hanging endowments God gave us and it makes us wince to witness any man suffer penile punishment. The trap she sets for him seems to be another incarnation of the vagina dentata myth and actually does represent a fitting retribution for rape. Still? Ouch.

Check out Storm Warning if you can find it in the states. The first two acts are a little pedestrian, but the finale is a half hour of non-stop carnage. Also look for the fish hook trap that the wife sets up in the barn as it is also wonderfully wicked.