Fan Picks

Welcome to another episode of I Would Have Saved/Killed. It goes like this: one of our writers will pick a character, big or small, from a movie and explain how they, for whatever reason, would have altered the fate of that character.

Don't worry, we will never spoil anything pre-jump, though obviously everything after the break is operating under the assumption you've seen the film at hand, so be warned. And a big tip of our hat to Arbogast on Film for inspiring us with his post The One You Might Have Saved.

In one corner, Boris Karloff as Hjalmar Poelzig, architect, turncoat, Satanist. In the other corner, Bela Lugosi as Dr. Vitus Werdegast, physician, veteran, ailurophobic. The film? The Black Cat, Edgar G. Ulmer's very loose (read: completely different) adaptation of the Edgar Allen Poe story, this time about two old war buddies who aren't really buddies anymore. Seems Poelzig surrendered a Hungarian fort to the Russians, sending his comrades (including Dr. Werdegast) to Russian prison camps for decades, while he went off and moved in on Werdegast's family. Also, did I mention he's a practicing Satanist?

Whose fate would've been different if I had control? Read on...

I do not fetishize shoes, but I love wearing sexy heels. When I came across DSQUARED2's skeletal stilettos, I had to marvel at their unique design and my inner goth squealed at the sight of the delicate vertebrae stemming from the heel. Apparently, singer Alicia Keys was the first to rock these off the runway at the World Cup Kick-Off Celebration Concert. You can own a pair of them in August when they will become available through Zappo's. Judging from the prices of the other shoes in DSQUARED2'S collection, it doesn't look like I'll be able to own these bizarre and lovely stilettos any time soon. Is it too creepy to make this a DIY weekend project for myself?


[via: Haute Macabre]

Burial Ground (1981), directed by Andrea Bianchi

This Italian zombie offering from sleazemeister Andrea Bianchi came during the heyday of the movement -- a time when Italy was fixated on aping the success of George Romero's Dawn of the Dead. The beauty of the Italian pastiches, though, is that they often take an idea -- like zombies -- and then do totally crazy twists on them. Burial Ground is no exception -- an odd mixture of gore and sex that has to be seen to be truly appreciated.

The story in this one is almost an afterthought -- a group of horny Italians (including Mariangela Giordano) head off to an isolated estate for a vacation. Between bouts of sex between the living folk ("You look just like a little whore, but I like that in a girl."), nearby zombies rise from their grave and begin an all-out assault on the villa. Why are zombies attacking this place? What brought them back from the dead? Bianchi is not too concerned with telling us. It doesn't matter anyway, because the real reason everyone loves Burial Ground can be summed up in two words: Peter Bark.

Bark, a man in a boy's body, looks like a mini-me version of Dario Argento. He didn't do many films in his career, but it's safe to say that his turn as Michael is the most memorable of the bunch. Michael is the son of Mariangela Giordano's character -- and he's definitely hot for mamma. I don't mean in the casting furtive glances or spying on her having sex kind of way (both of which he does) -- but in a much more obvious manner. In one of the film's unforgettable moments, Michael puts the moves on his mother -- literally feeling her up and making out with her. Only a premature move toward third base keeps Bark from rounding the bases and sliding into home. Incest is creepy enough, but add in Bark's odd looks, his goofy girl jeans complete with skinny white belt, and his hilariously dubbed voice, and this sequence becomes legendary. Bark's final scene is no less bizarre -- leading me to wonder why this guy didn't get more work? I think a Peter Bark comeback could be in order ...

After the jump, getting Stagefright will tear you to Pieces.

Bad Biology, Directed by Frank Henenlotter, 2008

No, Frankenhooker and Basket Case director Frank Henenlotter hasn't traded the camera for a stint as an underground MC, but he did co-write 2008's Bad Biology with one -- R.A. Thorburn, otherwise known as R.A. the Rugged Man. I know, it's hard to believe that he's not trading the camera for the mic with as many "bitches and hos" that appear in the film, but chalk this little flick up as another weird one for the man who loves to put the xxx in horror-exploitation.

For a film about a guy with a ravenous 15inch schlong (which actually crawls around and gets rapey with the local T&A) and a woman with seven clitorises (who smashes her lovers' heads in and then takes pics as a memento), the film was kind of boring but the oddball, juvenile, sleazy humor made it perfect viewing for a late-night, barely there viewing. And I'm always a sucker for films about freaks trying to find love (and orgasms).

Love Object, Directed by Robert Parigi, 2003

I think we all know someone as quiet and insecure as Desmond Harrington's Kenneth, the mild-mannered technical writer, in Love Object. That's part of what makes the film so interesting -- we can relate to the characters because they're so believable -- and Parigi's surreal, dark twist makes the exploits of his lonely lead all the more unsettling.

When Kenneth discovers a website that sells realistic sex dolls, he maxes out his credit card in order to purchase his very own, which he names Nikki. While pressures mount at work (Kenneth's boss is played by none other than Rip Torn), Kenneth is secretly playing dolly while home alone (though his neighbor Udo Kier suspects what he's up to). Things get more complicated when an attractive temp named Lisa is assigned to his project at work, throwing the soft-spoken office worker for a complete loop. As he starts to fall for Lisa, he subtly influences her to change her look in true Hitchcockian fashion -- until she resembles Nikki. Soon, reality and fantasy become so intertwined that Kenneth starts to lose his grip on the waking world and Nikki becomes something more than just a doll.

Fans of May will like the film for its similar tone and humor and while the ending felt glaringly different from the rest of the movie, I still found a lot of things to love in this strange tale.

Train, Directed by Gideon Raff, 2008

I lost interest in Train when I realized it was basically Hostel, but set on a train. The film lacks Eli Roth's interesting subtext, so between that and being distracted by the shape of Thora Birch's head, I gave up and decided to paint my toes and chat on the phone. I did look up now and then for some gory parts, which there seems to have been plenty of. I think there was some nudiness too. Overall, you get what you expect and nothing more. I'm not on board with Train, but i was bored out of my mind.

Many horror fans reminisce about the days of old, when trips to the local video store wowed them with wide-eyed wonder. Gory cover art, hefty clamshells and aisles upon aisles of dusty boxes crammed together and stacked a mile high all left a huge impression upon our twisted, horror-loving hearts. If you worship the the rare, esoteric, out-of-print and underappreciated at the altar of VHS, then you'll want to read on.

Fellow videovores Josh and Ted run Lunchmeat -- a magazine that celebrates the best of VHS. I asked them to collaborate with me on a video box art column showcasing the badassery of their personal VHS collection. This is a pic post, so think of it like a stroll through the video store. We're going to be highlighting various goodies from different releasing companies and will be mixing things up a bit in the months to come. If there's something you want to see (a theme/topic/genre) let us know in the comments section below and if they have it, you got it!

Hit the jump and travel back in time to that favorite video store haunt.

If the old saying "clothes make the man" is true, then I'm really not sure what kind of man John Harrington is supposed to be in Mario Bava's Hatchet for the Honeymoon. My vote is for a late 60's dandy or tranny psycho but he often ends up looking like a glam rock singer instead. Also, it should be noted that his impeccable taste (at least in his mind anyway), love for luxury, penchant for exercise and flawless grooming skills are reminiscent of thee Patrick Bateman.

Actor Stephen Forsyth plays the wealthy character with a penchant for murdering brides in a film one viewer hilariously described as "Psycho meets Dynasty by way of Freud." Forsyth's deadly serious demeanor would be enough to make Hatchet for the Honeymoon unforgettable, but his choice in wardrobe seals the deal. Once you've gazed upon some of the ensembles this guy parades around in, your life will never be the same. Mostly, I'm just tickled by his collection of jumpsuits and fancy belts. Enjoy them after the jump!

[spoilery stuff ahead]

While I'd never join a cult in real life (famous last words), years of film viewing has shown me more than a few fictional groups I'd sign up for in a heartbeat. Inspiring yet loony leaders, hippie ideals, and the occasional encounter with real supernatural power are all things that turn up in cinematic cults -- making them seem so alluring. With that in mind, I decided it was time to make a list of five cults from horror films that I know I'd happily join. It's a little heavy on the Ivan Rassimov and Christopher Lee, though. Is that because these guys were in a lot of movies about cults or because I'm a little obsessed? I'll let you figure that out ...

It's inevitable. Turn on most giallo films and you're bound to see that familiar green bottle with the yellow label. It can only be one thing -- J&B Scotch Whisky. There's a J&B delivery man in Your Vice is a Locked Room and only I Have the Key; the liquor is served poolside in Black Belly of the Tarantula; Perversion Story features some pervy product placement; and the list goes on and on.

The scotch blended whisky has a long history, having been originally founded in 1749 in London. This was the drink of high society, which is amusing considering its cult film associations today. The company was originally called Johnson & Justerini until it was bought by Alfred Brooks and renamed Justerini & Brooks in 1910. In the 60's, J&B was aimed at the export market mainly in Europe, America and Korea. It even won six Queen's Awards for export, which is the highest honor for British businesses.

I count David Cronenberg's The Fly as one of my all-time favorite movies, and, yet, I'd never seen the original 1958 film that inspired it until this very week. I have to admit, I'd always been a little dismissive of it -- a 1950's mad science romp starring Vincent Price as a man in a fly mask, terrorizing innocent townsfolk.

I was completely, 100% wrong.

First of all, Vincent Price isn't the star, just the biggest name in the film, and he isn't the title character either. This was just the first of many things I'd assumed about The Fly that were wrong. You watch enough films, you get familiar with stuff you haven't seen and start to make assumptions based on word-of-mouth and little clips and trailers. I was guilty of assuming The Fly was cheesy.

Again, I was completely, 100% wrong.

Dated? A little -- it is fifty years old after all. But cheesy? Hell, no. The fact that The Fly still maintains its power to completely creep its viewers out is impressive now, in 2010, but imagine catching this truly disturbing shocker in 1958, when all of the horror films were interchangeable nuclear threats with cheap effects and wooden acting. You would've crapped your pants. Yes, even you. Wimp.

The movie is available to view on Netflix streaming, and I'll be back on Monday to get a little more in-depth with The Fly. See you then...

Many horror fans reminisce about the days of old, when trips to the local video store wowed them with wide-eyed wonder. Gory cover art, hefty clamshells and aisles upon aisles of dusty boxes crammed together and stacked a mile high all left a huge impression upon our twisted, horror-loving hearts. If you worship the the rare, esoteric, out-of-print and underappreciated at the altar of VHS, then you'll want to read on.

Fellow videovores Josh and Ted run Lunchmeat -- a magazine that celebrates the best of VHS. I asked them to collaborate with me on a video box art column showcasing the badassery of their personal VHS collection and they did not disappoint with this first installment. This is a pic post, so think of it like a stroll through the video store. We're going to be highlighting various goodies from different releasing companies and will be mixing things up a bit in the months to come. If there's something you want to see (a theme/topic/genre) let us know in the comments section below and if they have it, you got it!

So hit the jump, travel back in time to that favorite video store haunt and feast your eyes on some delicious doozies!