Summer of Schlock

Foywonder of DreadCentral is one of Scott Weinberg's favorite schlock experts ... and he's now mine, and he should be yours too. He's out there 24/7, compiling the best and worst of B, C, and D cinema so that you and I can sleep at night with clean souls.

His latest bit of genius is a bitterly penned schedule of SyFy's Summer of Schlock. As everyone knows, SyFy (formerly SciFi) really prides itself on churning out numerous original "thrillers" such as Mansquito and Ice Spiders. This summer will be no exception, and SyFy has a steady schedule of new "classics" to keep you busy in the hottest months.

Kicking off the season is Sand Serpents, which airs on July 11. Serpents is a dash of Dune, Tremors and Black Hawk Down, as a small platoon of U.S. soldiers must escape their Afghanistan outpost and the giant worm-like creatures that are devouring everything in sight. Jason Gedrick stars as the inexperienced lieutenant who must lead his redshirts men to the rendezvous where they can be rescued by helicopter.

After that, you'll want to check out Hellhounds on July 19th. It's one of the classier offerings of the SyFy summer, partly because it was directed by the Rick Schroder, but also because it takes place in ancient Greece. Theron and Demetria are set to be united in classical matrimony, but the unlucky bride is poisoned before they can sacrifice some bulls to Zeus. Theron risks a journey into the Underworld to rescue her from Hades' lecherous clutches, but he won't just have the river Styx and Cerberus to contend with. In a twist right out of Greek drama, his best friend and battle companion is the very man who poisoned his bride.

Sharks, infestations, and undead racecar drivers round out the rest of the month, leading to the grand finale: High Plains Invaders. Clint Eastwood's supernatural western is re-imagined to star James Marsters as a gunfighter who must rescue a Western mining town from the giant, insectoid aliens who have stripped it of its uranium and its human inhabitants. If there's one I'm willing to brave (albeit with a cold Guinness), it's this one -- and after you watch the clip below, I think you might want to join in. We can't let Foywonder go into the darkness alone.