the blob

I've been patient with Rob Zombie's movies, but for some reason he seems to be exempt from that societal rule which says "Be good at your job, or at least try to improve as often as you can." I've got nothing personal against the guy, I actually do dig his music, and I'm sure he's a wonderful human being where his loved ones are concerned.

But when it come to making movies, the guy's dancing around his own filthy vacuum. His films are actually painful to watch, not because of the oh-so-extreme violence and hilariously over-baked profanity, but mostly because of the stunningly base and amateurish filmmaking skills on display. But apparently someone with a big lump of cash disagrees with me: Variety is reporting that Rob Zombie has just signed a deal to remake the 1958 sci-fi monster movie classic The Blob. Says the clearly astute filmmaker: "My intention is not to have a big red blobby thing -- that's the first thing I want to change." To which I'd respond ... Hey, too bad it's THE BLOB you were just hired to remake, dude! If giant red blobby creatures are too good for a man stage-named "Zombie," then perhaps he should try remaking something like ... The Funhouse. Far as I can recall there are no blob monsters in that flick.

And while I often defend the "horror remake," this one really sticks in my craw, and here's why: We were "due" for another Blob remake anyway (the 1988 one, by the way, is actually pretty fun), but by giving the gig to this guy, we're taking it away from an enthusiastic young director who, y'know, doesn't have obvious contempt for the source material. Rob, please, stick to your day job.

When the horror freaks talk about the remakes they actually like, the chit-chat generally centers on titles like The Fly, The Thing, The Fog, and Dawn of the Dead. (Just kidding about The Fog.) But they generally forget to mention Chuck Russell's late-'80s revisit of The Blob. I'll leave it to others to debate over which version is better, but the remake gets my vote, if only for its consistently creative kills.

And hell, you can enjoy the whole dang flick for free right here at Crackle.com, a cool website with a silly name.